We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
he was sobbing,drinking his beer, all while confessing his love for her. awkward was an understatement...
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
I feel like someone poured gasoline and bleach in my nose and lit it on fire.
Why! I don't feel that at all!!!! I feel jipped
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
Say whatever you bloody well like; you don't know the true meaning of life until you have smoked to a Sade cd.
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
Dude. I just got a visual of u climbing over a bathroom stall to save my life.
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