I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
I just celebrated my ex boyfriends birthday by having more sex than he will today.
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
I feel like despite his sleaziness I could be friends with this man. he just sent me a picture of his dog's balls.
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
I'm not going to say what I did. You're smart enough to figure it out. But I did it. And you owe me 20$
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
what happened to you last night?
I dunno man, i pissed in a urinal, sent you a picture of my vagina and woke up with 25 bar stamps on my arms.. you tell me
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
Randomize
