i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
It was kind of like a train wreck, except alcohol would have improved the situation greatly.
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
When you and that girl went into the bedroom, you yelled "FOR NARNIA!"
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
There are many penises to be discovered and claimed tonight
We're like Lewis and Clark
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
he's just got his life so together and it makes my pussy wet.
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
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