I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
just did the walk of shame by his grandma. what the fuck is an old lady doing up at six am?
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
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oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
In honor of the internet blackout, I think everyone needs to change their Facebook pictures to ones of them being blacked out.
only i would grind with someone to harp music at a gay wedding
I would of joined had I not blacked out last night and ran around naked breaking things till 4 am
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
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You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
Did your grand seduction include learning to play careless whisper on a kazoo or was that just a hobby
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
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