Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
wrong asian. never thought that would happen.
I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
Just because we buy weed together doesn't mean were a couple
all I know is he gave me a Cialis and tried to take me home.
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
Seriously my only wish tonight is to be at the club in a sombrero w my shirt off pouring tequila on bitches titties
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
That jawline could fucking have its way with me.
She made me keep my boots on and say "you're welcome darlin" after every orgasm......so yes it was an awesome night.
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