Fuck that. Livers are so overdramatic and attention hungry.
Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me
I just added her as a friend on Facebook. I met her 5 minutes ago and there are already more than 50 pics of me uploaded... from other nights.
Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
I'm making tacos. Give me one good reason why we shouldn't be high while eating those tacos.
Went to get my tattoo today. Found out the piercing girl is bi. I may just get my nipples done to get hit on tomorrow. Confidence is low these days.
Bring single women, or taken women who are unhappy with their relationships, or women who are happy with their relationships but have low moral standards, or women who just like to remove clothing when drunk (relationship status is unimportant for this option)
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
I almost died in that meeting. Nearly dried up and blew away in the pure powder form of boredom
I know that feel bro
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
Randomize
