A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
I feel like college is just an experience in what names I can't name my future son.
there has got to be a maximum amount of semen a person can take in before they get some kind of poisoning.
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
I think his roommates are using word magnets to tell me that they can hear us. His fridge currently says, "Chris ate out naughty girl."
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
took shots off of a myriad of fake boobs last night. It was glorious.
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
I discovered moonshine and fell in love.
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
Randomize
