I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
you kind of just crawled on top of him. that was the point at which i became concerned with how drunk you were.
Thanks for talking me down from peeing on his window last night.
I am now curious as to how you would have aimed.
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You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
Bring your friend that fell asleep in the bathroom for my friend.
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You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
Like for real, is your junk ok? I have to look after my investments.
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
I am in the parking lot of CVS in Auburn. I think a truck full of Plan B and regret just arrived.
Randomize