Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
He also has a monumental penis. It's unbelieveable. I'm sorry but he's perfect.
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
"lets watch the sunrise" turned into "lets have sex on the roof at six thirty in the morning"
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize
