dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
It was one of those "since we're naked anyway" type situations
he kept asking me if i had been in a pool or a lake recently, i didnt want to say i know where the swimmers ear came from. shower sex.
talk of her extensive whoreness has crossed oceans. thats impressive.
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
I wanted to say, you're welcome for your orgasms, thanks for not returning the favor, Needledick
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
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