I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
We didn't go..parents came home with patron wanting to play drinking games --we asked no questions
Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
I could give you a full detailed description of 75% of the penises in that room
i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
just broke no shave november. hello backed up drain december.
you made them have somersault races with you thru the lobby..
I had a great penis washing session in the sink before I left. Washed off all the bar and green beer
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
todays sighting is titled: Bum taking pictures with an invisible camera.
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
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