Betty ford says i'm here all night
the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
Dude you went around coming up behind people and whispering in their ears. I dont know what you said but they looked terrified when you left.
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
Randomize