My sheets look like a crime scene.
and she was petting her beer can
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
Neighbors just bought a new bong. Got high with them and we decided to name it "Gary colemans sweet sugarlumps" these guys are hilarious
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No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
I haven't gotten it in awhile but since spring break is next week I'm willing to have a pregnancy scare if it means no bleeding through the suit
Yeah wouldn't want it to interfere with beach sex. Nothing should interfere with beach sex
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
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WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
you going clubbing tonight?
well its tuesday isnt it
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