How you know a guy is gay: they say they would want money, not sexual favors, from emma watson
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
there was a trail of blood coming out of one of the bathroom stalls. thought of you
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
We smoked a bowl, ate popcorn, and watched her lava lamp for an hour. it was a quality bonding experience
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
It was less of a bar, and more of an abandoned basement that some people sell booze in.
Whoever put salsa in the kiddie pool.....your an ass. Fuck you.
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
Randomize
