i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
the liquor store owner came out from behind the counter and kissed my cheek when he saw that i am back for fall semester
i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
going to a night class in lingerie so i can quickly go to his house after.
I'm Still in a robe trying to piece together 3-7am I'll be there in a few
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
Wtf are freshmen gonna think when the first thing they see in a pale 6'4 white kid with a mustache yelling ya man and we be liming in a Trinidadian accent
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
I just got the high sucked out of me. Fuck.
we are the best best friends ever. You had sex in an ice cream truck I had sex in a fire truck
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