I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
life is no where near the amusement park it was when I was on Vicodin.
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
God I hope my hair dresser doesn't realize that all these hairspiration pictures are from gay porn blogs on tumblr.
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
i went out at 5pm and cant remember anything until 3am...i was at the bus stop parking lot running around doing the Arrested Development chicken calls.
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
So we stayed at his mom's and all got drunk and he and I hooked up in his old bedroom. Then his drunk mom came in and tackled us when we were still naked. Why does this keep happening to me?
time to play the game of how much Christmas shopping I can get done before these shrooms kick in
video games take priority over anything else you can offer me.
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
I think my time would be better spent seducing the TA then trying to save this paper.
Fuck your bullshit loser kid and his gluten allergy.
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