Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
i'm traumatized. his orgasm face consisted of him looking like my dead grandfather and burping.
The best part about living in a college town is the annual rush of senior girls who want to get in their lesbian experiment before they graduate.
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
I feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with me as a woman. My initial text to you was "What's up, fuck bucket?"
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
Instead of going to my moms birthday party I went over and gave him head. I should win non girlfriend of the year award
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
Randomize
