i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
As of tonight I have officially had sex during every Disney movie.
im pretty sure thats the first step to being a pedafile
Because it is about to snow, I sent him for Diet Coke and cigarettes. It's the gay version of milk and bread.
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
Just grabbing my bra from a history teacher's desk in the Humanities building. Maybe I should stop drinking on weeknights
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
We almost ended up sober because of u!!
I wonder if my sister will drive me around while I do bong hits in the back seat..
whose shirt was i wearing?
his little sister's
what was she wearing
a feather boa and 6 inch heels
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
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