What the hell do I have to do to get some foreplay around here? This sucks.
I think you know the answer.
How can I marinade myself in Vodka?
Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
i can't decided whether the fact that her nipples are bigger then her palms is a problem or not
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
I don't know. Seeing the vagina stretched out beyond normal proportions is like watching your favorite superhero die.
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
Randomize
