im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
yeah that pretty much nipped itself in the bud when I realized i could see her whiteheads glowing in the blacklight
see if i had a dick i'd definitely smack people in the face with it
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
I don't not like him. It's just wierd talking to him because we both know I fucked his wife.
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
Aside from the possibility of pregnancy, I'm going to call last night a raging success.
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
Randomize
