I shampoo & condition my pubes, sometimes i wish my face was closer so i could rub against it cause it feels like plush
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
And we hooked up in the carwash. I told you our creative juices were flowing today.
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
he went at my nipples like a starved dog.
I've had to much cheese to give a fuck about anything. im tired.
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
Fucker was flying a Bruins flag. He can pick up the dog's poop himself.
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
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