The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
Wow, you were right... Weed does start conversations
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
No she hasen't showed up to my place yet, last I heard she was puking as she was walking without stopping near the park.
So you have no knowledge as to why I am hearing loud repetitive mooing from next door?
I found her sleepin on the side of the house in the rocks. so i woke her up and yelled at her and she would only come inside if i let her sleep in the bathroom.
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
gymnastic barn sex. fuck i wish i hadn't blacked out
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
What. The. Fuck.
You'll have to be more specific. I do a lot of "what the fuck" kind of stuff
you're not celebrating your 21st birthday right unless you give a male stripper a hand job, flash the bartender, and win a free vibrator.
Randomize
