the thought of Anne Coulter teabagging Dick Cheney kills me everytime.
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
hey girl hope you're alright, you hit that tree really hard. have a good night.
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
Yes. Life would be much easier if we had penises & could do whatever the fuck we want.
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
their motto was "the first one to get arrested wins" so of course today was interesting
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
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