Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
Take xtc, wait 20 minutes and then take a shower. Trust me.
i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
With sake I got over my irrational fear of seafood. Now I just fear sake.
im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
Just walked in on the Yellow Ranger getting porked by a guy in a UD Blue Hen costume. Will somebody PLEASE think of the children.
you dragged me by my throat over to the shots. this is a new level of alcoholism..
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
Fuck I am so excited for the first time I can make someone call me Doctor Nikki during sex after I finish my PhD
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
Our Tuesday night drunk Irish step dancing was on point tonight.
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