final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
life lesson# 3: saying thank you on a subway really means "im not a native new yorker, so please feel free to touch my ass"
hmm. interesting. explain how you came across this knowledge.
i sneezed. he said bless you. i said thank you. he groped. i again said thank you.
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
think im gonna go get a six pack before class and sit in the back of the room...
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
there's a barbecue in the shower. I'd like to know who got this to fit inside perfectly. impressive
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
I think i should either cut my hair or buy a dildo.
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
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