I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
this is something i pride myself on being below average for
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
i should probably stop thinking with my vagina, and start using that $70, 000 education i can't afford. what the fuck.
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
She stood up through my sunroof the entire drive home. screaming her ass off and singing free falling..
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
Randomize
