I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
He said and I quote "Had to beat one off in the Burger King bathroom before I went over." Thats somebody that takes pride in his work.
My internship group is made up of all freshman. Their enthusiasm for education and social interaction sickens me.
tom claimed she had a star tattooed around her buttonhole. i am not prepared for this era of skankyness
Sincerely. Thanks. You could have thought of anyone sitting on your face but you chose me. :)
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
I just took a shot before my midterm. Gotta keep things in perspective.
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
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