Anal astronaut?
Wow word travels fast.
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
What did you even date her?
because emotionally unstable girls are great in bed.
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
I'm back here naked if anyones wondering
So apparently we wrote "Lube Shopping" in Paula's diary on every friday for the rest on the year....
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
I just ate cottage cheese and went to the gym at 6 this morning...the things i'll do because I might get naked in front of a new boy
I just wanted to be nice to your dick and you are rhyming at me.
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
Randomize
