I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
Chipotle...archenemy of the gay man. Cockblocking me since 1997
Just saw a porn entitled "Nad Biter". Redheads are now forever out of the picture.
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
He graduated with honors. I've seen him kneeboard on dry ground and run a razor scooter into a wall...anyone can graduate with honors
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
I told him to just roll me a blunt and put it in a heart shaped box.
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
I didn't know that all of his brothers would be hot and musical too. That's a dick move on behalf of biology.
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
Randomize
