true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
I have this strange craving to see a really fat person go down a slipnslide
Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
someone made her a trophy at 4 in the morning and presented it to her in the bathtub
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
She finally pulled over after almost hitting 4 cars and a semi and asked me if i was rwady i told her to let my penis to come back out
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.
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