So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
My vag wants to play a game of hungry hungry hippos with your cock.
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
HE KEEPS WALKING AWAY. IT'S LIKE HE DOESN'T EVEN LIKE FRIES. WTF.
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
siamese drinking twins saturday is a go ... bring duct tape.
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
Lying naked in bed eating carrot cake of off my bare breasts while watching Family Guy. Tonsilitis isn't all bad!
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
Randomize
