so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
this is no time to have dignity 4/20 is coming
We hadn't had sex in so long that I started queefing and then I couldn't stop giggling... I think he's mad.
Should I give the penis ring toss game to good will or garbage
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Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
Cory and I accidentally had a sexual adventure last night.
How do you ACCIDENTALLY have a sexual adventure?
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THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
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