Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
i was shrooming and she was sobbing. i was trying to be sympathetic, but i could see the veins working like worms under her skin. and then her face stripped down to the muscle.
what was she crying about?
i wanna say it was the lack of skin on her face but maybe she lost her job.
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
No, I don't think Michelle is a squirter. And if I've had anal sex, the Obamas have.
Ask him about the girl he took home Saturday night. I swear she voted for Kennedy.
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
party at the soccer house. crumbs in my sexy panties. can't. put. pieces. together.
Randomize
