There's a "art of the blow job" class in the city. We should go
Baby, I'm all set with that. That would be like trying to teach bruce lee how to kick someone in the head
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
Sucks about the cops last night
to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party..
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
So maybe putting the blacklight above the futon wasn't the best idea...
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
We had sex on a dog bed..
She said she wouldn't get out of hand. When the cops showed up she jumped off the 4ft high porch and fell into a ditch. She then buried herself because she was wearing light pants and though the light from the cops flashlights would reflect off her pants. We couldn't find her for 40 minutes.
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
It's beautiful. It's what jesusxwants. I should send you a pic of my boobs out of friendship
Randomize
