a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
I have to overdose on valtrex I had a rough weekend.
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
He looks like a fat version of lurch from the adams family and smells like fritos. This is not the caliber man I want pleasuring himself to the thought of me!
The neighbors outside are screaming at one another about God knows what and everyone is too scared to go outside and we NEEd more beer
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
I woke up with my wool blanket soaking wet on the dorm room floor, and my sweatshirt hanging on the shower door down the hall. So basically my camp-out-in-the-bathroom idea didn't turn out as planned
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
The only thing good about being back at work is the lunch time hand jobs from the MILF
Randomize
