i have absolutely no control over my now miserable and whore-ish lifestyle.
all you did was keep googling "what time is it" over and over and over
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
i just threw up in the porta potty. i am in no condition to be guarding anyone's life rite now.
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
It's ok. Rob's just shotgunning upside down.
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
If walking through the neighborhood with a bottle of tequila and margarita mix is postgrad life, I'm okay with it
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
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