Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
It was fun until I shot a pea out of my nose while throwing up. Left over tuna casarole at 3Am was a terrible choice.
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
A gay black guy with blonde hair and a gold tooth just told me he would shit on my face.
Now it's a party.
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
I would eat the Denny's grand slam special out of my new probation officers b hole
I also woke up in a guys bed in a Reptar shirt yesterday morning staring at a movie theater sized poster of the not as popular Air Bud franchise movie Super Buddies.
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
He started planning our future mid-hookup. You tell me how my night was.
I CAN SEE SO MANY PENISES. There are so many visible penises here.
Where are you???
Yoga class :(
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
