i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
i don't care how ready and willing she is. she is where penises go to die
My overnight senior got drunk and hooked up with Kaylee on Sunday. I checked Facebook and he already put down his deposit for next year. This school should pay me a commission.
The liquor stores are closed! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! CURSE YOU SANDY!!!!
im in the library and there's this guy on a computer just staring at a google image of beer. finals week is rough.
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
We smoked bowls and watched Cops for what seemed like hours. And yet I know I'll go back.
Walking towards a police car with full spotlights on you while being fully erect..awkward exp. for both parties
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
It took like and hour to get him in me and then he came in like 2min. Size aint everything
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