Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
fireball beer pong. youre missing out
how is that even possible?
ove gloves.
be there in ten.
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
you were afraid hed set himself on fire so you dumped a box of baking soda on him
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
I've sent two unsolicited tit pictures in less than 24 hours. I'm the female version of a fuckboy.
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
U NO SLUT. YOUR HEART IS JUST FREE.
You cannot ask her to resend the picture of her genital tattoo to you just so you can show your room mate. it is time to end your relationship with the Captain.
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
Randomize
