i'm so desperate for a drink right now i looked up the recipe to make pruno
so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
She said "I only hook up with guys I'm dating"
So... What happend then?
We dated for an hour, i broke up with her after. BOOM.
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
in literally every picture i'm wearing less and less of my costume.
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
Stoned stonnnnnnned on the raaaaange
You're the second person to offer to fuck me in the bathroom at work. Idk whether I should feel honored, or if cvs is just a turn on.
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
Randomize
