There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
Call me when your ready for an explanation about the ham in your vagina.
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
According to you, you were with your "Eskimo bro for life" last night.
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
Apparently the guy with the moaning gf that lives above us is in my DES class... AWKWARD
Well, you started screaming "I dont know you GO AWAY" to your mom when she was holding your hair as you threw up in her garden.
its not much but to go through all that to ask for half a balls worth of money was so stressful
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
Yeah. Broke it off. Saw her cheating after she forgot to turn her zoom off. Ring=$$$. Not making that mistake-priceless
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