I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
I mean. If you don't have time I understand, but my dick doesn't.
You say "I'm in class" like it matters... I'm getting a little tired of having to smoke by myself at 4:20 because you're in class.
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
Apparently I spent my 300 dollar tax return by ordering ramen on amazon last night. Please tell me this will somehow pay off in the long run.
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
He ate me out while Space Jam was on. My life is complete.
Well, I was asked to leave the Waffle House for "being to physical" so I think that option is off the table
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
i showed up really high and was trying to not be,so in order to not seem high, i got plastered
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
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