i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
Look. I've got things to do today.. Will you hurry up and come over so I can give you some head and get my day started already
Outside
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
I'd probably lick every tooth in Carly Rae Jepson's fucking mouth.
Teen Choice Awards are on if your wondering.
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
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