see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
Think about all of the events that have led to this: me sitting in the back of my classroom drinking beer out of a taco bell cup, telling the teacher I have to leave early to go to an AA meeting.
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
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One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
I imagine anything that isn't a dilldo attached to a jackhammer, powered by a generator won't be amazing enough for you
Everytime I see a couple on campus walking and holding hands I just want to yell he's gonna lie!
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
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I just remember being in the bathroom alone cussing out the bunny
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
I was really hoping my 420 would involve a lot more weed and a lot less buttholes
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
Step one: We finally agreed on an au pair that we both wanna fuck.
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