the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
I just did my online traffic school at the bar. No biggie.
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
I just googled if crying burns calories
On an unrelated note: I'm also a big advocate of the "never waste a boner" theory.
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
Nvm, he just almost drank his drink from last night, his drink that has the condom in it. Kinda answers my question.
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
Damn, I just did coke with a dude in a bathroom and after he took his dick out right in front of me and took a piss. What a power move.
Randomize
