every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
we're doing beer bongs from the windmill...epic
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
Their house warming gift for us was a half case of keystone and getting the cops called..
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
no, she just came home, mumbled about being a gerbil out of water then ate half cooked chicken nuggets.. normal night
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
I'm smoking a bowl with matches and a candle while my mother washes dishes downstairs. I thought adulthood was supposed to be different.
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
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