I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
moving back to school this early was a terrible idea we already used up our bail fund
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
my pupils became my eyes and i slept with a cloth in my mouth again
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
I think I caught your cold through my vagina. It was worth it.
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.