Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
Dude you spent the last hour of the night in the bathroom crying, asking someone why you will never be as smart as Mr.Feeney from boy meets world.
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
We don't know where he is but he left his pants and what appears to be a tooth here so he's gotta come back sometime
Well shit, I would've slept with him if I knew he was gonna be in the draft.
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
I like to send nudes ok? If that's my biggest flaw I think I'm ok
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
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