matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
We just had to use a designated driver to get to night class.
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
You have ruined sex with him for me. Now all I think is "boy scout" and I want to go home
Urgent. Do not ignore. What does this "=$" shit mean. Quality foreign dick is at stake here
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
He told me I have nice nipples. You can't just tell someone that and then leave the state!
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
That was before I lit my hair on fire
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