Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
hows the party?
ists fjcssing insceredle
be there in 10
He went down on me and then slapped my ass saying "thanks for the confidence boost"... is this all I'm good for?
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
you're like that jamaican tarat card reading chick... only with herpes
also I woke up naked and covered in water but nobody can explain that part.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
It's a herpes check up not a beauty pageant
I look excited, but its just a facade.
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
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