We had to be out of the dorms at 730. Meeting started at 8. I woke up at 948. Drunk and covered in glitter.
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
Let's just say, at one point i got woken up at 4am by a naked guy who was offering me steak, in a cup.
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I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
hanging out with you guys is like living the wikipedia entry for drugs...not sure i can handle that tonight.
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
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hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
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