Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
Is it a bad thing that the only time i wear nice clothes to class, is when i get too fucked up the night before and wear the same clothes i went out in?
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
is cock-oriented a word? I'd say I'm that lately.
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You're going to have to tell him your name isn't Ivor McTruckson eventually.
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
I cant believe you went home with her.. Your poor immune system and the shit you put it through.
He wears a hat. All the time. Even during sex. And I'm okay with that.
Have you ever had one of those moments when you kept whispering to yourself "I'm not a slut, I'm not a slut..."?
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just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
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