Having a random hookup so left but love u
I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
I knew it was different as soon as you told me you slept with him and didn't tell me about his dick
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
He just walked from his house to mine. Walked in and asked for a hug and then left.. And he's sober.
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
he was wearing pj pants, thank you for not letting me go home with him
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