If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
i say over christmas we have a beer pong competition with the cousins and see who really has the best genes in the family.
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
She's never allowed to turn 21 again
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
All I need is the Internet and a place to drink.
dude he's still passed out in my bathtub. and his dick is half way in a 40 bottle... i really hope he was just trying to piss in it
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot
For a second fuck I think last night went extremely well... our sexual relationship is progressing at a pace that im quite satisfied with.
Randomize
