dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
this kid woke up on our hotel floor and doesnt know how he got here
on my way back.. me and that kid will be great friends
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
No idea how he made them, but vodka water balloons were a horrible idea.
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
Ever since the Christmas fiasco of '08, I can no longer watch Rudolf the Red nosed reindeer without getting a hard on
My boyfriend told me that I said I wanted to "feast on her vagina"... Glad I don't remember.
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
I can feel your judgement through the phone
I'VE LOST MY DIGNITY, MY PRIDE, AND EVEN MY BOOTY CALL. HAPPY THANKSGIVING.
I hate her so much I want to fuck her boyfriend.
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Randomize
